Our Little Nicholas

The Nine of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in realization. I am not my mistakes. I can’t do this alone or pretend any more. The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine. There is no shame in my suffering — no healing in silent self-torment. It is here at the surreal crossroads of the “soul search” where dawning truth meets the anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that I can finally wake up, change my mind, let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices. I am empowered by intense acknowledgment or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition

I can’t believe what I’m reading. That’s what my daily tarot says… the reason why I don’t believe in astrology. I don’t even want to think that I can’t do this anymore. I am trying my best to survive the turmoil, the hardships of single parenting and I’m not gonna give this up just because one horoscope item says so.

I know I can do this. Though there are times I pretend I am strong, pretend I can manage everything, pretend I am happy, I know a day will come when I’ll just laugh about everything that’s happening in my life today. Someday, somehow, I know, everything will pay off.

I have my little angel, I am not alone in this battle. Of course we can do this.

In my 28 years of existence in this world, there is nothing more gratifying than finally holding in my very arms the blood of my blood, the flesh of my flesh… my very own, my precious little angel. And I am certain every good mother can attest to that.

Before this momentous event, I thought motherhood is but a simple thing. I don’t mean I took for granted my Mama’s love and care. I could never look down all my Mama’s sacrifices and efforts just to fulfill her maternal obligations (and even the paternal at times), my Mama is my champion. When I said “simple thing” I meant I never thought it would be this difficult yet rewarding.

I was alone in rearing my little angel the whole time he was in my tummy. And now, I’m alone with him again. Taking care of a nearly 7-month old baby is not a joke. There are times frustrations would try to come in and take away the love that I have for my baby. But I’m not about to let it win over me. I love my baby far too much to let all these challenges and difficulties topple me down.

Everyday is full of new learning — the fun playing, the tickling and rolling on the bed, the laughing and crying together, the sweet kissing and hugging moments, the new discoveries and tricks, the quiet and peaceful sleeping moments, ahhh… nothing can beat this wonderful feeling.

But the truth is, Nico and I are not really alone now. I know He is watching us all the time, holding us mightily with care in His loving hands. I believe He will not let me and my baby walk in the darkness and get lost in this cruel and unfair world. In fact,

And so, I know single parenting will never be easy, I know there will be more challenges, I know I will cry not only tears but maybe even blood, I know I will be crawling in the mud… but all of these, the price of motherhood, that I am more than just willing to pay…

A very belated Happy Mother’s Day and Happy Birthday to me