Sigh, it’s been 2 days that I’ve never seen my little baby. I miss him so much

See, I’m in Cagayan de Oro City right now. The boss and the client came for a corporate visit and all employees (even those who are on telecommute like me) to work in the office for 3 days (the entire duration of the visit). And so, I reluctantly left Wednesday night, took a 7-hour bus ride and reported for duty on Thursday (yesterday) at 6:00 o’clock in the morning. I can’t wait to go home to my baby tomorrow. If I can’t get the 30-minute plane ride at 7:00 PM, I will be forced to ride a bus back home. Argh! Another 7 hour on that uncomfortable seat

I call my aunt 3 times a day. She’s the one assisting Nico’s new nanny. They’re actually staying in my Mom’s house so I’m not worried about my little angel’s safety. It’s just that he’s still sick (his fever is back) and I can’t think straight here, still worrying about his health. I wish I can hold him in my arms now, I want to kiss his face and his ticklish body I wonder if my baby misses me too. I hope he isn’t mad at me for leaving him behind

One more day, just one more day… I can go back home and back to my little angel again. I can’t wait!

…fast!

My little angel is ok now after 2 days of flu and fever. He is back to his normal happy and bouncing self. God! It feels good to see him smiling and to hear him laughing again

I watched him as he sleeps and I am so thankful that his health is restored. Look at him, sooo cute, looks like he’s dreaming You should hear him giggle while he sleeps, it’s as if angels are tickling him, it never fails to put a smile on my lips.

It’s surprising though that he won’t drink his milk anymore (Promil Gold) so I switched to another brand (Bonnamil) just to see if there’ll be a change on his drinking pattern. I was surprised that he liked the other brand so much that he didn’t let go of the bottle until it was out of content. I was thinking it was just a glitz and that his dislike for milk has already worn out so I went back to his old milk on the next feeding. Still, he won’t drink, I was forced to mix another one using the other brand when he cried. uh-uh, the illness changed his taste? Oh well, as long as he stays healthy and happy, I don’t mind changing formula (the other brand is also cheaper, by almost half the price) Thank God for my angel’s good health

He still won’t drink his milk, still moans in his sleep, still screams when he cries… His temperature dropped from 101.1 to 100.2, lower but still with the fever, I will have to bring him to the doctor later when he’s awake.

He woke up at 4AM, and I have to carry him in my arms until the sun came out since he doesn’t like the bed anymore. My poor little baby’s really sick

I hope his temperature continues to drop. God please make my baby well..

… not when my poor little angel is running a 101.1 temperature. I will be watching him all night, will be guarding him closely… I don’t even want to close my eyes for a minute or two.

I’m scared.

This is the first time I heard him moaning like that as if in great pain. He was moaning for almost an hour now, he was moaning all the time he was in my arms, while I was rocking him to sleep. It sounded so helpless, so wretched, so sick. He is moaning until now and he’s already asleep. The sound just makes me shake all over, I can’t stop the tears from falling.

I’m afraid.

I will have to take him to the doctor tomorrow if the fever won’t go away. It has to go away. Not only because I can’t afford the doctor, but most especially because I don’t want my little angel to suffer. My once bubbly, lively and bouncing little boy has become a weak, frail, crying baby. He’s so fragile; I can’t let him suffer like that.

We were just playing 3 hours ago, right after we had our evening bath. He was his usual self while he splashed water to himself and sliding like mad on the bath tub. We had our usual fun. The fun continued in the bedroom when we dressed up and had our usual peekabo and tickle-me games. Then the laughter became screaming, then crying. I was in a state of shock and then panic when he wouldn’t stop crying. I reached out to touch him only to find out that he’s feverish. When I took his temperature and found out he’s got a fever, I thought of ways to find money and buy him medicine or maybe even take him to the hospital. 5 minutes later, with my baby in my arms, I knocked at my landlady’s door and begged her to lend me the money that I paid her as a month deposit. She reluctantly agreed, she had to take a look at Nico and my disheveled hair before giving me the money. I had no other choice, she is the closest person (in distance) to whom I can get money from in this kind of emergency, how I pay her back, I’ll think of that later.

For now, my only concern is my angel’s well-being. I already asked God to take away his illness. I hope He’ll answer my supplications…

The Nine of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in realization. I am not my mistakes. I can’t do this alone or pretend any more. The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine. There is no shame in my suffering — no healing in silent self-torment. It is here at the surreal crossroads of the “soul search” where dawning truth meets the anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that I can finally wake up, change my mind, let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices. I am empowered by intense acknowledgment or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition

I can’t believe what I’m reading. That’s what my daily tarot says… the reason why I don’t believe in astrology. I don’t even want to think that I can’t do this anymore. I am trying my best to survive the turmoil, the hardships of single parenting and I’m not gonna give this up just because one horoscope item says so.

I know I can do this. Though there are times I pretend I am strong, pretend I can manage everything, pretend I am happy, I know a day will come when I’ll just laugh about everything that’s happening in my life today. Someday, somehow, I know, everything will pay off.

I have my little angel, I am not alone in this battle. Of course we can do this.