I’ve heard and read about this all the time and it really scares me to think that all my depression during my pregnancy could have affected my baby’s emotional and mental aspects. That is why I try my best not to make him cry, because everytime he does, he seems to find it hard to breathe. Oh God! I can’t forgive myself if something bad happens to him. I love my little baby so much, he is my life…

I knew I shouldn’t be sad or crying when I was carrying him in my tummy but it was kinda’ difficult to suppress my emotions, to stop the tears from falling.. it was my only release then.. I was alone, literally alone, aside from the fact that I was struggling financially, I didn’t have anyone beside me to talk to or someone to call on the phone. No one was there for me. And so I was crying every day and night.. wallowing in self-despair and self-pity. Now, everytime my little angel cries, it’s as if a knife is being plunge into my heart, it’s like all the pain is coming back… when will this depression be over?

Well, these photos were taken on his 4th month birthday Isn’t he adorable? Cool huh!

Perfect features… simply perfect… sigh…

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Hmmm… No matter what angle I look at it, he’s really taking sleep to the next level! That’s Mr. Prim and Proper to you. See how behave he is? And look at those cute little hands, he arranged that himself, I swear. He like sleeping either that proper or as disheveled as two hands thrown above his head! Now, he chooses to be innocent and angelic

Today, my little angel is officially 4th month old! Wow! He’s a grown up huh! And he’s getting more and more handsome each day

To celebrate his “birthday monthsary”, we decided to spend the day malling and shopping. Oopss! No pictures there. Mommy is alone with baby so it’s kinda difficult to take that picture eh? But oh well, we had our pictures taken at a studio, so there was still a “picture-taking” event, hihihi! We’ll see how the picture turned out in a couple of days

So what else did we do on his 4th month? Ah, we created another “silent” video, hahaha! I just took snapshots of some of the scene because I found Nico really cute in them.

He loves to clap!

He loves to laugh!

He loves to win!

HAPPY HAPPY 4TH MONTH MY SWEETHEART…

I play these roles…

It’s hard but I’m left with no choice. I have to give my son the “family” that he deserves. Oh I have my parents, my Mama and Papa surely loves my little angel. My sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces and one and only nephew loves him too, no doubt about that. And since Nico is a very lovable child, all my relatives love him too. But sad to say, as much as they love my son, they can never play the role of a father to him. But I can, and I will.

I’m sure you can read the bitterness between the lines. Ok, I admit, maybe I’m a little bitter. Who wouldn’t be in this situation? I’m a human being after all. But in top of my bitterness is a realistic person. I know a truth when I see one. And the truth is, it’s better this way. The truth is, I’m having false hope on something that will not happen. The truth is, I’m better off alone in raising my son.

I ended everything up with “the biological father“, I am closing the door, finally and firmly. And after thinking and rethinking about it, I think I’m going to close my doors on my personal happiness as well. My son is my priority right now. He is my life, I will do everything to make him happy, to raise him not only as a good son, a good Christian, but also as a good person. I’ll teach him not to hurt women and men as well. I’ll never plant any seed of hatred, anger and pain in his heart, he should be free of such burdens, he shouldn’t be like me…

This is indeed a big responsibility, something that they don’t teach in school, something that I never learned in college. But with the guidance of my loveones and the Almighty Creator, I know I’ll do well.

I love you so much my little darling, and Mommy will make sure everything’s gonna be alright.. I’m certain… that I can be… a mother… and a father…