I want my name there!

I’m still in this topic, I can’t seem to “unthink” about it. I guess getting closer to D-Day is giving me an anxiety attack and sending me unlikely thoughts: Can I do this? Can I do that? Will I be this? Will I be that? Sigh!

I read somewhere that when an individual becomes a parent, he/she has the tendency to put him/herself down for no apparent reason at all and then proceeds to punishing him/herself for being not good enough. I was thinking these kind of individuals are perfectionists and have no room for errors especially in raising their children. That was then, when I wasn’t about to become a mother yet. But now, getting closer to that day, I am thinking I guess I’m one of them and maybe this is just normal?

How many times have I cried myself to sleep just because I feel like I won’t be good enough for Little Nicholas? How many times have I panicked thinking I am not ready for this? How will I discipline Baby Nico? Will I be good enough in teaching him good values?

Shucks! I really wish motherhood comes with a manual, you know, something that will tell us what we should do in every situation. I know however that the Bible is a good enough manual, God’s words are enough to  help me get through this, but sometimes I have doubts. Sigh!

I was browsing some parenting topics in MyLot when I came across a member who was thinking she’s a failure as a parent. It was such a sad thought…

As it happens, her daughter was born 7 and 1/2 earlier than expected and she felt like it’s her fault it was so, that she caused it in more ways than some. Not only that, she felt she’s a big failure when her baby didn’t grow and develop at the normal speed — as other kids do. Now, everything that her daughter fails to do, she blames herself, that it was all her fault that her baby’s turning into a failure as well. I can feel the sadness in her post, as if she was crying all the time she was posting the discussion. It was heart-breaking really.

Then there’s this Mom who just got recently divorced. She and her ex-husband got joint custody of the kids and she felt like a failure when she didn’t fight harder for a full custody (she promised her daughters she would) when she knows that her ex-husband is alcoholic and gets mad at her daughters a lot of times.

Mommy is trying

Shucks! This is what scares Mommy the most — to be a failure to my little Nicholas. I am a total failure as a daughter, I know that. I’ve caused too much heartbreak to my parents and i don’t blame them if they cannot be proud of me. I don’t want to be a failure as a Mommy as well. I know this won’t be easy as I have to do this and face this alone but I was hoping I can be a good Mom to Baby Nico.

Oh baby, I know I cannot give you everything you wanted and deserved in this life… I just hope you’ll be patient enough to let me try, to see Mommy try her very best to give you a good life. Please, help Mommy become a successful parent to you…